Beat Whitey Olympics

Announcing 2011 Urban Olympics

In honor of Eric Holder’s Beat Whitey summer, special olympic-type games, designated as the Beat Whitey Olympics, will be held.  One urban area will be chosen from four finalists, Philadelphia, Detroit, Chicago, or Milwaukee. Spectators from all demographic categories are welcome, but participation is limited to individuals who reside in urban zip codes and have no more than one parent of Northern European ancestry.  If neither a birth certificate nor a state-issued proof-of-birth form is available, verification by a minority parent will suffice.  Alternative methods of qualifying include SNAP card, TANF card, or mug shot.

A Hood Dog and Best Bitch will be chosen to preside over the ceremonies, during which leaders from each of the city’s gangs will be recognized.  This will be followed by a street dance.  Rather than a cash bar that might be robbed, liquor will be dispensed on a barter-only basis.  Gold, clothing, shoes, or electronic charges against food stamp accounts will be accepted.

Unlicensed pharmacists representing the city’s drug cartels will stroll through the venue offering their wares for devout Muslims and others who do not consume alcohol.  Food will also be available on a barter-only basis.  Caterers include Robbin' Raoul’s Ribs, Pamika’s Purloined Pork, and Sami’s Sauteed Camel Sphincters.  

The games will start the following evening.  The contests include:

·         Victim selection—making demographics work for you

·         Rock and bottle toss—choosing a deadly missile

·         Groveling for attention; mommy look at me!

·         Group beat down; finding the most vulnerable

·         Shoplifting with DDD bras and XXXX sweat pants

·         Hiding your nine; don’t leave home without it

·         Treasure hunt for credit cards, smart phones, and jewelry

·         Fleeing-and-eluding, know your hood

·         Flash mob organizing; the power of numbers

·         Identity concealment—hoodies, bandanas, and stocking caps

·         Shopping cart operation; the looters' little friend

·         Car boosting, a timed event

·         Creative pipe-making; smoke anywhere, any time

·         Team convenience store looting; it’s better with friends

·         Sucker-punching tourists; trashing the trusting

Prizes will be given to the top three competitors in each event.  Third prize is the drug of choice, meth, ice, heroin, or a combination of the three.  Second prize is a month’s supply of Triple Cheese Bacon Whompers with Industrial Size Fries.  First prize is a weekend fling of unprotected sex impregnating underage girls.  No doubt, the competition will be fierce.  At the conclusion of the ceremonies, spectators and participants will practice Fleeing-and-Eluding as though the National Guard had arrived.

May your gods be with you.