In the Philippines, a team of scientists has discovered meat-eating plants that consume rats. A large quantity of these pitcher pot-type carnivores has been removed from their island homes and taken to secret locations in the US, Canada, and New Zealand for study. The Association of Concerned Thinkers Moving Against Depravity has mounted a worldwide campaign of support for this research.
The aim of these efforts is to modify this plant’s genes to make them the size of apple trees, imbue in them the characteristics of vines, and endow them with pitchers large enough to consume large mammals. The plant will attract its food by excreting a perfume that stupefies progressives with visions of socialist utopia. Upon consuming all of the progressives in an area, the plant will go to seed and disperse itself around the country.
Through aerial dispersal, seeds will spread everywhere, but they will take root and flourish only in select locations. Large concentrations of government buildings will be particularly attractive to these plants. Universities’ education colleges, buildings housing bureaucrats redistributing others’ resources, high crime areas, and areas with large numbers of multiculturalism mavens, diversity divas, and quota queens will soon be covered with these carnivorous vines.
The benefits of cultivating these helpful flora will be apparent almost immediately. Tea Party members, libertarians, American patriots, and ACTMAD representatives expect the nation’s social and economic recovery to be well underway in a single generation.
ACTMAD: creating liberty by ending the theft-welfare state.